Nightmare

Tonight I die as I flow into darkness.
My tired remains float into wilderness
Eyes swollen from tears
Every piece of my existence
destroyed by emotional fierce.
Frustration, Anger, Betrayal, Hate.
And there seems to be no cure, no hope.
Just death.


So let me sleep and never wake up.
Let me cross the road and be hit hard.
Let me bleed.
Let me suffer if this is what I deserve.
Let me go.
Let me die and let me live again.
For i would rather die than see you go away.
I would rather die than see myself crumble bit by bit.

17 Minutes

I read a trivia long time ago that a human being’s instant emotional reaction lasts only for 17 minutes. Say you argued with your mother, you’ll probably walk out, go to your room and your anger will pass in 17 mintes. I don’t know the truthness of this nor its scientific basis. But if it is true, then why do heartaches last forever? Why do anger linger long after a messy fight?

Short-term Guy

Yesterday while having a haircut, I read from a magazine something I thought was the answer to my heart's question. why do some guys leave you hanging? The article said this seems to be a natural thing for guys who love the thrill of fresh romance. But when a relationship goes on further to develop a certain commitment, or some sort of seriousness, the thrill naturally just... fades away. It's not because the guy loves you less through time, it's just that he is not made for a long-term relationship. Thus he's called a 'short-term guy'. How do you know the guy you're dating is a short-term guy? the article cited these signs: 1) He is unusually affectionate on the first few weeks and month's of a relationship. but his affection wanes eventually (gosh, this is a very difficult sign) 2) He doesn't want to talk about serious things. 3) he doesn't tell his plans (if he has any) about the two of you.

I never thought I'd fall for a short-term guy. I always thought he was the one. I guess the signs were all around me but I was just too in love to notice them. sheesh.

Unconventional Happiness

i just talked to a guy friend the other day over the phone. the office phone. hehe. it was a shame i cried by the mid part of our conversation:

friend: enjoy your life. your 26 so young. dont waste your life whining over things you have no control of. be happy on your own. dont depend your happiness on people or things.

(then I burst to tears)

friend: oh bakit ka umiiyak??
me: because i don't know how to do what you're saying: be happy without the people and things that i love.
***
so how does one become happy when people you love and need, like your family or partner, just arent around?
how does one remain happy when things go wrong?
when your bf loves you but can't do anything for you? when you finally break up? when your parents separate. when you miss your brother who's been away for a loong time? when you're bored or pressured at work?
How does one become happy when you think you're left behind.
or just plainly alone?
how can i be possibly be happy on my own?

Insomnia

I am someone who has great appetite for sleep. At night, no matter how early it is, 7 or 8 even 6pm, I can close my eyes and dream away just by laying on my bed with my pillow. Insomnia is truly strange to me. I can’t understand why some people find it hard to sleep, when it is such a pleasurable thing to do. But lately I think I’ve been experiencing that thing they call Insomnia. After work, I’d find myself hooked on the computer til past midnight. If I didn’t a have a watch and was unaware of the time, I’d probably still be up til dawn. I’d feel tired but i just couldn’t sleep. And I’d feel so empty, so hollow inside and tears would fall til my eyes get heavy and finally put me to sleep. That has been my routine since last week.

And now it’s not just my heart that aches, but also my head. I don’t how long this is gonna be. I surround myself with people and get busy with activities so that at the end of the day I ‘d be too tired to even feel anything. But I guess it doesn’t work that well. No matter how tired I could be, the loneliness still creeps in on me when I lie down at night, looking at the ceiling and praying.

Life's Framework

My attempt at making a life framework.

Today I learned the importance of frameworks. In school, frameworks are graphical representations of theories that explain approaches to a problem. My professor is training us to answer all problems and cases through frameworks. It makes sense actually because these theories and graphs were studied and formulated well by experts and geniuses. I must admit I am not quite good at following frameworks. I answer problems through gut feel or common sense. There's nothing really wrong about it, it's just that with gut feel or common sense, there's less chance of getting at the right solution to a problem. And I wouldn't want that. Through frameworks, you are able to approach a case intellectually. You have greater chances not only of solving the problem but as well as getting an A.

In real life, we also have frameworks. We have the Bible. Our parents' and priest's sermons. Self- help books, etc, etc. All these are supposed to guide us in living our life right. But most of us, like me, are not really good at following frameworks. We like to do what feels right inside, even if its wrong for other people. We like to be spontaneous. We don't like to follow the experts' advice because we think they don't really understand us. And so, we make mistakes...quite often. At times we even regret.

I hope by the end of the term I'll finally learn using frameworks well. I guess it's not only gonna get me a great grade, but as well as teach me to live my life better each day.

Passing Quarterlife

(few weeks before my birthday): I don’t know if you’ve seen or heard of the series Quarterlife. It caught my attention while I was surfing channels this afternoon. It’s color is different other current shows. It’s brownish like as if you’re watching a dramatic “That’s 70’s show” or Bagets. It’s more like the movie Reality Bites. At first I thought it was just the television. But I realized as I continued watching that it’s not. It really is the style of the show—kind of rustic. The main characters though modern exhibit some kind of 70’s and 80’s look: Paul Mccartney hair cut for the guys, extremely long –indie hair for the girls, and dark pussycat classes, and bellbottom pants. And it all makes sense because if you are the show’s target market—someone in his or her quarterlife—25ish— then you’d understand. Today’s 25ish, though born in the 80’s, likes retro. It’s weird because we did not really experience the 70’s.

Anyway, I was hooked with the show because it relates to me quite bluntly. It’s like seeing my actual self, my personality –the good and the bad side- in the various facets of the different characters. And the characters are not exactly loveable. I like the main character Dylan, because we both blog. But I hate the way she projects herself around people, especially at work. And I abhor the way she dresses up—torn shirts and crumby sweater— which really isn’t dressing up. I like’s Jet’s artistic personality but I hate that he likes his best friend’s girlfriend and totally ignores Dylan. I like Lisa because she’s hot, but she’s misjudged and has no interesting love interest in the series (just yet). But I guess the characters and the plot were made that way to evoke impressions and feelings like I have. Quarterlife is the kind of show that just reflects the ironies of us, people, friends. You love it and hate it at the same time. It’s not like Smallville where you just adore the hero and hate the villain. It’s not like Grey’s anatomy where you fall in love with Mcdreamy. It’s not like Lost that thrills you with the plot and educates you with philosophies. Quarterlife for me is just like watching my own life through my brown shades.

In a few weeks I am passing my quarterlife. It’s doesn’t seem like a big deal. But I feel more than ever some sense of maturity and increased awareness about life and love, which makes this time of my life important. And it can be scary at the same time. Sometimes I wonder if I should, at my age be doing more or better than what I am currently doing. And if I should, what exactly do I need to do?

why my 3 pink gems?

yep. cheesy. I dont really know why I'm naming my blog this. perhaps i like it to match my email. why did i name my email such? duh, i cant really remember. i remember my bestfriend anna diaz helped me come up with this name. i cant remember how we ended up with it. but i can remember we were at Masscom library hangin out and we realized i should make an email account hehe. i guess im stickin to it no matter how cheesy or funny it sounds hehe. it will always remind me of my sweet memries with bes. it would remind me of the many persons that emailed me thru it and touched my life. somehow it has become part me-- my three pink gems. it has eventually created meaning for itself. 3 pink gems could stand for the 3 loves of my life, my 2 elder brothers and my mother. it could stand for my my family, friends and .. fafa? ;P now, im making my three pink gems a blog. maybe in a few months or years 3 pink gems would mean differently already. baka madagdagan pa maging 4 or 5 na =) one thing's for sure, everything that happens in my life, no matter how good or bad, will be considered gems that add spark to my being.