My Bes

It has been almost a year since my best friend Anna and I talked. Last year around this time, her grandfather died and she came home off her homecoming schedule.

Last week, she messaged me, saying she heard something about me probably getting married soon, and therefore implying that I am not telling these important things to her, my Bes.

So we set up a chat schedule. One pm, pinas time. I was fidgety a few hours before, confused if I should tell everything, scared that i might not be consistent with the information I gave her the last time we talked. If I told her the whole truth, would she understand? Would she still see me as her goody girl best friend? would she see me differently? These questions were primarily the reasons I avoided telling her. It is difficult to explain what how why when. I didn’t even know where to start.

Little by little I told her everything. There were times when i attempted to sugarcoat details i am not really proud of. But I was like helpless a kidnap victim injected with a truth serum. It just all came out. I was imagining her pitying me for my seemingly poor judgement. I was expecting her to tell me that i am just jaded and that I just need to think things out.

But the discussion arrived at a point where there was no turning back. I started to tell her everything, now i should make her know, no matter how blunt it would seem, that I had already made a decision; that I would be sad if she would not be happy for me, but that, at that point, i just wouldn’t care. I would just like to let her know because she is after all my best friend.

Me: would you be surprised if I told you that... I have decided...?
Anna: Surprised? No. I have always know you as a strong person.

Tears just fell. My best friend understands me and sees something beautiful amidst the awful situation. I do not know if she just told me what i wanted to hear because she did not want to break my heart. But I still appreciate it, however.

Thank you, Bes. And I am sorry that I pre-judged that you wouldnt understand me. Perhaps i had actually forgotten that you are indeed my best friend. I am so grateful that we haven’t lost it, the friendship, the unfathomable understanding between our souls. I love you, Bes.

Quasi-blogger's Block

For several months I have been reciting my blog ideas out loud enough for myself to hear. They usually come when i am jogging, during the steady phase, the part when i have passed the feeling of heaviness from last night's dinner, and right before the climax when my heart beats fastest and my breath, almost lost. Sometimes i would even have definite lines, a great intro or extro, a teaser. Some even had titles.

But now that i have decided to sit behind my computer and write something other than work, emails and school paper, I cannot seem to remember any of my ideas. I wish i had a handy audio-slash-cerebral-recorder-notebook which can automatically turn on and transcribe ideas into written words when they pop up. This would make it easier to retrieve memories right when you need them. Now, you'll have to suffice with the rambling and babbling...Perhaps I'll soon write about the memorable afternoon Liz and I talked about becoming rich, maybe Ill write about my diet and allergies, or about my mother's colorful church life, my brother's secret girlfriend, about my hunt for a dream dresser....hmm what else? or maybe ill stop here and start seriously and actually writing and then maybe I'll get myself somewhere.